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Clueless Recruiters, Issue #5

Clueless Recruiters630 words3 minutes to read

What do Lawyers, Evil Dictators and this week’s Clueless Recruiter have in common? A complete lack of human decency. All in this week’s episode of Clueless Recruiters! (Cue theme music!)


Recruiter Schlock

Here’s one I got this morning from a clueless recruiter. For reference, here is my résumé.

Subject: Freelance opportunity (4-week engagement)

I… I don’t even… sigh

I found your resume online and wanted to reach out about a freelance opportunity with our company.

Oh, really? Where? Where is my online résumé?

Y’know, the one that has a link pointing to a write-up about how to prevent technical folks from hating technical recruiters.

We’re a software development firm based in River North (Chicago), and need a front end developer to help us out on a month-long project.

Since you’ve seen my résumé, and know where I live, you’d also know that I have a good job with a good company, and that I’m not willing to pack up my kids during the school year to move them halfway across the country…

…for a month.

The bar is extremely high for this project and would (first and foremost) require someone with knowledge around accessibility. Our client has their own guidelines that were specifically produced for this project, and these are stricter than the standard recommended practices.

Ah-hah! Eureka! This is the single keyword that you searched for which brought up my (and many other people’s) email address to spam.

HTML5/CSS best practices are an absolute must, and Javascript experience would go hand-in-hand with that.

Can you, [recruiter], articulate the differences between HTML 4 and HTML 5. Also: You misspelled “JavaScript”.

Not necessary, but a huge plus, would be if you had experience in .NET (particularly in .NET MVC).

Right. Because I have .NET experience on my résumé. Y’know, the one you found online? The one you actually took the time to read?

If you feel like you have these skills and are interested […]

Muffled snicker

[…] please reach out to me with some code samples.

You mean, besides the links to the projects on my site? And besides my GitHub account which has dozens of projects I do or have worked on?

We’re looking to fill this position ASAP (ideally starting this week) […]

It’s Wednesday. Seriously?

[…] and working remotely would be acceptable as long as we can maintain proper communication.

Because, otherwise, I’d have to pack up my kids during the school year and move to Chicago. For a month.

What kind of relocation package does the company offer?

I look forward to hearing from you!

Oh-ho, I bet you do! :)

If the offer meets or exceeds $100/hr, I will give it serious consideration. Otherwise, it simply isn’t worth the inconvenience and hassle.

But with all seriousness: If you would’ve put in anything above the most minimal amount of effort, you’d know better than to send me — someone who has written plenty about what’s wrong with the technical recruiting industry — this kind of schlock.

Please remove me from all future communications from yourself and the company you represent.

Thank you.

Ryan Parman

is an engineering manager with over 20 years of experience across software development, site reliability engineering, and security. He is the creator of SimplePie and AWS SDK for PHP, patented multifactor-authentication-as-a-service at WePay, defined much of the CI/CD and SRE disciplines at McGraw-Hill Education, and came up with the idea of “serverless, event-driven, responsive functions in the cloud” while at Amazon Web Services in 2010. Ryan's aptly-named blog, , is where he writes about ideas longer than . Ambivert. Curious. Not a coffee drinker.