POSTS FOR 2012

Clueless Recruiters, Issue #6

Clueless Recruiters1330 words7 minutes to read

What does Ryan do when the same recruiter keeps pinging him over and over despite all efforts to get removed from a recruiter’s mailing list? Find out in this week’s episode of Clueless Recruiters! (Cue theme music!)

Explanation

Abhishek Banerjee from SACC Inc. is a giant douchebag

Normally, I will remove or otherwise censor the names and email addresses of the recruiter and the company that they work for. This allows us to focus on the idiocy of a large sampling of the technical recruiting industry and have a few laughs while we’re at it. But not this time.

This time, I’ve had enough of one technical recruiter in particular — Abhishek Banerjee from SACC Inc. Reps from SACC have been spamming me for years. Not just 1–2 years, but more like 5–7 years. They’ve been spamming me so long, that they still send emails to an address that I haven’t used since my domain name was skyzyx.com. Yeah, that long!

I have asked Abhishek Banerjee from SACC Inc. to stop emailing me on several occasions. I’ve asked to unsubscribe. I’ve asked him to remove my information from his company database. I’ve asked him to never contact me again. I have done everything that I can think of to let this guy know that I don’t want him contacting me at all. But despite my efforts, this guy continues to send me completely irrelevant recruiting emails over and over and over again.

So now, I’m calling you out, Abhishek Banerjee from SACC Inc.

Recruiter Schlock

Dear Ryan:

Hi,

If interested and available, pls. respond back asap.

FOR THE ZILLIONTH TIME, STOP CONTACTING ME! I HATE YOU AND YOUR COMPANY AND I NEVER, EVER, EVER WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU EVER AGAIN.

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

INTERACTIVE PROGRAMS WEB PRODUCER

DESCRIPTION:

NOTE: Local candidates preferred. Face to face may be required.

I live in SEATTLE! Why the **** are you sending this to me?!?!

The Interactive Programs Sr. Web Producer sits within a production team and is responsible for the day-to-day production of our client’s .com supply chain content.

Their main focus is to manage and lead production efforts related to downloads, public evaluations and support content and deliverables, leveraging innovative self service delivery tools and project management techniques.

Each interactive producer is expected to understand the complexities of managing supply chain web properties, how to align cross-functional teams to a common deliverable, and is highly accountable for quality control as well as precise timelines and release dates. Candidates should have experience delivering consistent and quality deliverables within working with business owners from web marketing, product marketing, IT and engineering.

Translation: I know how to work the Business Jargon Machine™ that we have sitting in the office.

In reality, you’ve said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about ANYTHING. You’re a complete and utter moron, and you suck.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

Collaborate with web marketing managers, release managers and application development teams to drive the development of engaging web properties that deliver value to the customer and leads for the company.

Translation: We’re looking for a grunt to be told five different things by five different managers. None of these managers have any idea WTF they’re doing, and if anything goes wrong, they’ll blame you.

Oversee the direction, development, and production of international and domestic web properties, with a specific focus on product life cycle activities to meet customer acquisition, retention and adoption goals.

Translation: Make a website.

Ensure that site design and workflows enhance the customer experience, making it easy for customers to understand, evaluate and purchase products.

Translation: Even though you’ll have absolutely no voice or input into anything that actually matters for the site, we’ll blame you for anything that goes wrong.

Work with cross-functional teams to develop site design documents, schedules, and functional specifications to ensure the successful delivery of web programs and initiatives.

Translation: We don’t know what the **** we’re doing.

Participate throughout the product launch process to guide timelines and manage specification documentation and content deliverables.

Translation: We really don’t know what the **** we’re doing.

Support initiatives to increase site traffic and improve lead generation and purchase conversions.

Translation: We’re the used car salesmen of the web.

Communicate regularly with internal teams to ensure content maintains a high level of accuracy and relevance.

Translation: Talk to the people you work with.

Work with web marketing managers and editorial teams to create, implement and maintain standards around SEO and content tagging.

Translation: We don’t know what SEO is… only search engine spamming. And we don’t know how to do that very well either.

Maintain a working knowledge of all brand and usability guidelines, and ensure that all web properties conform to these guidelines.

Translation: Remember stuff.

Create, manage and maintain development and QA deployment process and schedules.

Translation: DO ALL OF THE WORK!

Manage the adherence to and creation of materials for the software development lifecycle. These include information architecture layouts, wireframes, process/information flow diagrams to be included in business and functional requirement documentation.

Translation: We have no idea what we’re doing.

Clearly communicate service level agreements and enforce those standards with internal and cross-functional teams.

Translation: Our customers are businesses who also don’t know what they’re doing, but they’re paying us a lot of money.

Prepare traffic and usage reports on an as-needed basis.

Translation: Prepare traffic and usage reports on an as-needed basis.

REQUIREMENTS: 5+ years online production experience in fast-paced, highly creative, and goal driven environments.

Translation: We don’t want slackers.

Proven contributions to web program development and execution, including content, processes, procedures and/or technologies.

Translation: We don’t want idiots.

Demonstrated success with full cycle marketing project management, multi-tasking and ability to prioritize on a real-time basis.

Translation: We don’t want slackers.

Experience working on commercial web sites with a proven understanding of web technologies, browser compatibilities and limitations, content and process management, and site implementation.

Translation: We’re asking for an entry-level web developer.

Excellent verbal and written communication, as well as leadership skills that inspire others to embrace teamwork and collaboration.

Translation: We’re looking for a grunt who will do whatever we say.

Team oriented, motivated self-starter who thrives in a fast paced dynamic environment with demonstrated customer relationship skills.

Translation: We want someone who does a good job, but who we can blame when something goes wrong.

Experience with technical content management, SEO, site analytics and Web site/Internet technologies.

Translation: You need more experience than what we want to pay you for.

Focus on user experience information design.

Translation: These words sound like they kinda make sense together, don’t they?

Working knowledge and understanding of content management systems and web technologies, including HTML, DHTML, Flash, XML, etc.

Translation: We don’t know that DHTML went the way of Flash, which in-turn went the way of the Blackberry.

BA/BS degree or equivalent work experience.

Translation: You have to be smart and experienced, but your pay will not be commensurate with your background. You will be overworked and under-appreciated the entire time.

Loc: Palo Alto, CA Dur: 6+ months

Translation: And on top of all of that, we’ll treat you like a second-class citizen.

Best Regards,

Abhishek Banerjee SACC Inc. (650)413–4715 (Desk) (510)396–0691 (Direct) abanerjee@saccinc.com www.saccinc.com

For the bazillionth time, never contact me again. I don’t ever want to hear from you ever. Ever. Freaking ever.

Ryan Parman

Ryan Parman is an experienced Software/DevOps/Security engineer, currently living in Seattle. He is the creator of and , patented multifactor-authentication-as-a-service at , and came up with the idea of “serverless, event-driven, responsive functions in the cloud” while at AWS in 2010. Ryan's aptly-named blog, , is where he writes about ideas longer than . Ambivert. Curious. Not a coffee drinker.