How to prove that you are quite possibly the worst scum of the universe — all in this week’s issue of Clueless Recruiters. (Cue theme music!)
Here’s one I got yesterday from a clueless recruiter. For reference, here is my résumé.
My name is [recruiter] with [recruiting agency]. Please go through the below requirement and let me know your interest ASAP. Reply with your update resume and expected hourly rate
You’ve already seen my résumé since you took the time to Google my name before initiating your search. Clearly, you emailed me because you thought I’d be a great fit. Thank you for maintaining the utmost integrity in your job and providing the kind of quality service that I’ve come to expect from technical recruiters!
I don’t, however, have an hourly rate because I don’t take hourly gigs.
Job Category: Information Technology
Title: SR. System Engineer
Location: Atlanta, GA (30324)
Duration: 6+months (Expected to be 36months)
A Senior System Engineer? That sounds like it’s right up my alley! Based on my interests and work experience (which you’ve seen because you’ve done your homework about me before contacting me), this could be the perfect fit!
Oh, and it’s all the way across the country! Fantastic! I can pack up my family and move my children across the country in the middle of the school year! How wonderful that will be for their academic development!
The Encore Environment Engineer shall possess expert level technical architecture skills including in-depth working knowledge and experience with a wide array of network topologies and protocols, Linux x86 (some Sun Solaris (legacy)) server configuration options, BEA Weblogic Application Server, CAMEL, web server (Apache), database server (Oracle), Cisco, F5 or other load balancers, firewalls, server virtualization, transaction modeling and software deployment methodologies in a multi-datacenter scenario.
Perfect! I have a background of 10 years as a front-end web development engineer, followed by nearly 2 years as a SDK developer focused on the PHP development community! I’ve spent tons of time with network topologies and protocols, Solaris, BEA, CAMEL, Oracle databases, Cisco components, F5 load balancers, and multi-datacenter scenarios!
You can tell by reading my résumé (the one you read before you sent me this email) that I’m just the man for the job!
Environment Engineer must collaborate closely with software and solution architects to design highly scalable, cost-effective and reliable physical architectures supporting Encore phases.
Ooohh! Encore phases! It all sounds so exciting!
Environment Engineer shall thoroughly diagram and specify system, interface, network, security and datacenter solutions meeting or surpassing rigorous performance criteria.
Awesome! I can’t wait to do all of that diagramming! :)
Candidate shall have successfully implemented technical architectures supporting real-time communications and high transaction volumes in large scale environments. Candidate shall also possess excellent written and verbal communication skills
Yep, that’s definitely me. It fits my background in PHP and web development perfectly!
Expert-level Cloud hosting, physical architectures (Required)
Entry-level Server, network, capacity & transaction analysis (Required)
Expert-level Networking, HTTP, VIP, certificates (Required)
Expert-level Wireless & Internet Comms Protocols (Required)
Yep, yep, yep and… yep. No problem. I know all of this like the back of my hand.
Expert-level Cmd Line, grep, snoop, wireshark, scripting (Required)
Nope. Never done this before. Ever.
I understand HTTP, network topology and wireless communications protocols, but I’ve never used the command line, grep or a packet sniffer.
Expert-level Application Servers, CAMEL, Weblogic (Required)
Expert-level Web Services, COMET, Resful APIs (Required)
Intermediate-level Agile/Iterative SDLC, Jira (Required)
Expert-level Software deployment (Required)
Nope. As a web developer who has experience with cloud computing services, I’ve never deployed software before. :(
Expert-level Verbal, written, documentation, diagramming (Required)
Unfortunately, no, I don’t know how to write, speak, document or diagram effectively. I hope that this doesn’t disqualify me!
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Unsolicited? You’re quite right. I agreed to receive these emails — nay, I ASKED to receive them!
And Congress says this isn’t spam? Well then! Since Congress has been doing such a bang-up job lately, they must certainly be the definitive source for all things truthful and accurate!
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