POSTS FOR 2011

Clueless Recruiters, Issue #2

Clueless Recruiters927 words5 minutes to read

A web designer, online portfolio, XHTML, HTML 5, CSS 3, Photoshop, Dreamweaver, Microsoft Office, ASP, JavaScript and SQL Server — all in this week’s issue of Clueless Recruiters. (Cue theme music!)

Explanation

Recruiter Schlock

Here’s one I got today from a clueless recruiter. For reference, here is my résumé. Also, please note that the email contained multiple fonts and colors.

[COMPANY NAME] HAS AN OPENING!

[Company] prides itself on being a [blah, blah, exciting description of the recruiting firm, blah.]

[Company] is currently searching for a Web Designer / Graphics Designer for one of our largest clients in [city].

WOW! That’s 2,200 miles from where I live! I’ll bet that this “large client” is going to be one heck of a company!

This is a 1+ year contract with possible yearly renewals; Must have updated Online Portfolio to present with your resume.

“Even though I’ve seen your résumé and know that you’re employed full-time, why not uproot your family during the school year to relocate halfway across the country for a contract gig?”

I’m sure that they offer a really compelling salary, benefits and relocation package!

This resource will provide progressive visual designs for Intranet Redesign effort to assist in introducing improved capabilities to employees for example; Home and subpage designs, Video Portal, and Enterprise Wiki design comps. These comps should present a modern and forward thinking approach while promoting intuitive visual design.

Which resource is this? Oh, me? I see.

Hmmm… since I know you’ve read my résumé and have an idea of how many thousands of developers I support, you still think I should come to this new company to work on an intranet site, where I would work on a homepage and subpages! Isn’t “intuitive” precisely what forward-thinking design is in the first place?

Oh, and you forgot the period that comes after “…improved capabilities to employees”. You’ve ended up with a run-on sentence that doesn’t make grammatical sense with the semi-colon used in that way.

  • Will translate information architecture and business requirements into page designs. The pages will be prototyped in Photoshop or XHTML;
  • Create working prototypes of applications for use in validating requirements, testing target audiences and training customer support representatives;
  • Models will be developed with a combination of XHTML, CSS2, Active Server Pages, SQL databases and JavaScript or dynamic HTML as identified in the approved design and specifications;
  • Apply visual design principles in defining page layout, creating images and graphics and implementing visual treatments for fonts, background;
  • Graphics and images will be created in standard web formats (gif, jpgs) with consideration for file size and display constraints.

So, wait. I thought that this was going to be one heck of a company. You want me to leave my current position at my current company (which you already know about, since you read my résumé before emailing me) to become a lowly, entry-level code monkey? And with a Microsoft-centric backend, no less?

Technical Requirements:

  • Bachelor’s degree (BA/BS) or equivalent experience in Web/Graphic/Media/Digital Design
  • Six+ years experience in website design; Experience making there own templates (not just using things like Word Press or Content Management Systems)

Yes, I have these. Also, you misspelled “their” and “WordPress”.

  • Must have excellent visual design skills and posses deep understanding of web design principles
  • Expert in XHTML, HTML 4 or 5, CSS 3, and good understanding of JavaScript (no coding from scratch, more of moving things into code)

I must be an “expert” in HTML 5 and CSS 3. Heh. Which modules of the CSS 3 spec? And which version of the HTML 5 draft spec? What about the sub-specs that were extracted from the main spec?

  • Experience with Photoshop, Dreamweaver and Microsoft Office

Yes folks, Microsoft Office.

I typically pass on candidates who explicitly list Microsoft Office on their résumés, and here’s a company who lists it in their job description. Did they want me to know how to use Acrobat Reader too?

  • Must be self-motivating and able to work well with a diverse group of people
  • Must have good communication skills, both written and verbal

“Corporate mumbo-jumbo.”

  • Must have excellent understanding of web usability and design interaction principles

If I talk to the hiring manager about WCAG and ARIA in the interview, will they know what I’m talking about?

  • Experience in designing for mobile a plus
  • Online portfolio or links to examples of work (required)

Oh look, a requirement that’s required. Yahtzee!

CRIMINAL BACKGROUND CHECK & DRUG SCREEN WILL BE REQUIRED PRIOR TO EMPLOYMENT!

“EVEN THOUGH I’M THE ONE THAT SPAMMED YOU (WHICH IN ITSELF IS A CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY AND A VIOLATION OF U.S. FEDERAL LAW), YOU’D BETTER NOT BE A POT-SMOKING CRIMINAL!”

If interested, please contact [RECRUITER’S NAME IN ALL CAPS] at [phone number]; please email updated resume to [email address]

No, thank you. I’m perfectly happy putting a dent in the universe in my own neck of the woods.

Ryan Parman

Ryan Parman is an experienced software engineer, open source evangelist, and passionate user advocate currently living in Seattle. He is the creator of and , and worked on DevOps and Security at . He is now bringing learning into the digital age as an Engineering Lead and Site Reliability Engineer at . Ryan's aptly-named blog, , is where he writes about ideas longer than .