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WARNING: This Post Contains Too Much Information!

Vasectomy. That’s right, no more kids for me. I decided a long, long time ago that I only ever wanted two kids. I have them, I love them, and I’m done. My wife said that she was kinda bummed out about it, but understood my decision. And it’s not like it came as a surprise either — I’ve been saying the same thing since we met in high school, long before she was ever my girlfriend. I have always been very adamant about only having two kids, for a couple of reasons:

  1. Statistically speaking, parents with an odd number of children have a higher likelyhood of losing their minds and going crazy. After watching my parents go nuts, I decided I didn’t want that for my life. :) (Mom, if you’re reading this, laugh!) I considered stopping at one, however, after my daughter was born. But one kid is too few and they tend to get lonely because they’re the only child in the house (or so I’ve heard).

  2. That just leaves an even number of children. Six would make me a Mormon (which I’m not, nor will I ever be), four would put me in the poor-house, so that really only leaves two (which also solves the only-child syndrome).

So yes, there were specific reasons for wanting to stop at two. I was so adamant about only having two, however, that when my wife told me she missed her period last week, I got really pissed. Not at her, per sé, because it’s not like I can blame it on her. More because of the fact that it would mean more than two kids — and I didn’t want that. Fortunately, she went down to take a blood test, and everything came back negative — which I’m thrilled about. Now we just need to figure out why she missed.

Anyways, so I’ve been in surgery before, so this should be no big deal. I’ve never been one to have “test anxiety” because I know that things are going to go however they’re going to go, and there’s really nothing I can do about it, so why stress? This was no exception. Fortunately, I have a desk job, so I should be able to go back to work on Monday, and still be able to relax and stay off my feet.

When my best friend got done, he went back to work after four days — but he was the General Manager of a fast food restaurant, and that required him to spend most of his day not only standing up, but also running around in a high-stress environment. His wife was telling me that his junk swelled until they looked like a couple of blood oranges — a fantastic thing to look forward to.

So I got into the operating room, and the nurse asked me to strip from the waist down, and then gave me one of those blue sheets to cover my lower half. As soon as I came back out and sat on the bed, she asked me to lay down while she removed the sheet anyways. What was the point of the blue sheet? *shrugs* So after having her do a quick shave down there, rubbing it all down with some sort of disinfectant, and me praying “Dear Lord, please don’t let me pop one,” she left and the doctor came in.

He apologized for running behind (I’d sat in the waiting room for an hour), and began explaining exactly what was going to happen. He was cool about it all, very professional and everything, which was kind of a relief.

I won’t go into details about the next part, but between the stab of the anesthetic syringe, the incision, and the dull pain that comes from the squeezing, I can say that if anybody ever graduated from a university with a degree in making vasectomies as comfortable as possible — that person would make billions. I’m SO glad I never have to have babies. And I’m lucky I’ve never passed any kind of kidney or gall stone, because I hear that a guy passing a stone is more painful than a woman having a baby.

So anyways, I’m at home relaxing — jock strap and all — and trying to find things to keep myself interested over the next few days when I’m not allowed to do anything. In truth, I have some work to do on a couple of websites, a computer to fix, and some software to upgrade, so I doubt I’ll be needing anything to do. If you thought that this was too much information, all I can say is that I warned you at the beginning. However it might have been like a car accident: so grotesque, but you just can’t look away.

Anybody care to share your own v-sec experience?

Ryan Parman

is an engineering manager with over 20 years of experience across software development, site reliability engineering, and security. He is the creator of SimplePie and AWS SDK for PHP, patented multifactor-authentication-as-a-service at WePay, defined much of the CI/CD and SRE disciplines at McGraw-Hill Education, and came up with the idea of “serverless, event-driven, responsive functions in the cloud” while at Amazon Web Services in 2010. Ryan's aptly-named blog, , is where he writes about ideas longer than . Ambivert. Curious. Not a coffee drinker.